When I first started this blog I hoped it would be a way for me to share stories and information about wedding planning. For the last several months it’s sat near the top of the long list of things I was really excited about doing but then didn’t devote enough time to so, eventually, felt too guilty about not devoting time to do anything about it. This is a long list that I’ve been keeping since childhood. It includes lots of half-started hobbies, promises of facetime dates, and beautiful planners with only a few pages used. For whatever reason coming back to this blog doesn’t feel so daunting, so we’re rolling with it.
More on the logistics and finances of rescheduling later. But as a lesbian, I have to talk about my feelings first. Here they are.
I feel depressed; I feel grateful; I am full of dread; I am trying to be hopeful. What a weird fucking time. Planning a wedding has gone from feeling like an exhilarating part-time job to feeling totally impossible.
I am so grateful to have a job that feels meaningful and that I can do from home. I am so grateful to be able to be isolated with my fiancee and our cat, Eugene. I am so grateful that I have someone who I want to marry and I am so grateful we have 200 people who I want to celebrate that with us.
The enormity of the suffering happening around us and the ways that suffering is so much worse for people who have always suffered most is overwhelming. Watching our communities struggle to survive while others hoard wealth and do everything in their power to stop universal healthcare feels like drowning. Most days I’m treading water, but some days just staying afloat takes all the energy I have.
In nearly a decade of medication and therapy I’ve developed so many coping skills that make my panic disorder and moderate depressive episodes manageable. I am prone to catastrophizing but this is a genuine catastrophe. I’m so used to reminding myself that the worst case scenario my brain has come up with is both unlikely and survivable. For example, yes that stranger I bumped into on the bus might hate me for the rest of their life and dedicate every waking moment to thinking about how awful I am, but that’s probably not what they’re going to do and even if they did, it would not kill me.
When the worst case scenario is neither unlikely nor survivable, there’s just no room in my brain to feel anything but gratitude that the worst direct impact so far is postponing our wedding.
It’s a sad decision, but it’s not a hard one. If this is the worst thing that happens to Teddy and I as a result of this pandemic, we’ll consider ourselves extraordinarily lucky.
As people who have only had the legal right to marry each other for the past six years, we haven’t taken for granted the right to get married. But we had taken for granted the ability to celebrate this marriage.
But our goals for our wedding have always been simple:
- Get married
- Eat good food with the people we love
We’re still planning to get legally married on September 26th. We hope it will be in a small ceremony with our immediate family, but even if it’s just the two of us at our kitchen table, we want to be married. We’ve been engaged for nearly two years and frankly It Is Cancelled. We’ve waited long enough to be wives and The Gays deserve this win.
When we’re able to do the big celebration with the ballgown and the crabcakes and the toasts, we’ll be thrilled to do it. But it really is okay that it’s not going to be this September. I am hopeful that when we are finally able to celebrate with our family and friends that we will not take for granted the ability to hold them close and dance together.
To remain hashtag on brand, I’ll leave you with the Howard Zinn quote that sustains me through everything. I hope it brings you some comfort
“To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness.
What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places–and there are so many–where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction.
And if we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.”